In Indian the saying is that when a girl gets married she marries the whole family. With that comes a lot of baggage and issues sometimes we fail to deal with as you are just one person who is pressurised to keep a balanced relationship with different personalities in the house or family. Besides the husband, the next most important that comes into the picture is generally a mother-in-law and a father-in-law. If you are lucky then your mother-in-law might be the best but not all have the same luck. Sometimes as observed around us, a mother-in-law can also turn out to be a nagging, toxic and interfering kind of person who takes away your peace of mind. So how do you deal with her and keep your sanity intact? Here are a few tips that might be useful for you.
Why This Treatment
Ofteen a person behaves in a certain way because of a past or something could just be ticking her off but she has not put her finger on it and explained. Not all peple are good with communicating and you do have to channel that analyser in you to get to the crux. The same goes here. Try to understand why she treats you like that. Maybe that will help you out in dealing with her in a better way and give you some clarity. Isn't that the basis of any relationship?
Don't Add Fuel
When you can feel and see that your mother-in-law is getting agitated and poking you for probably an emotioanl outburst from your end on which she pick on then control. Don't let the conflict escalate. Don't fall for the bait. Practice conflict management and techniques which you know will calm her down. Fighting further will just ruin things further so why indulge?
"Ek kaan se suno, ek kaan se nikaalo", this is something I have personally learnt and practice with people who you know will not backdown. Let her say what she wants to, detach yourself. Her words might just be a repercution of something else that happened to her and triggered her. If you feel she is crossing the line, just be honest from the beginning and respond politley, making the picture clear that you cannot take that. Be very neutral with your feelings, do not be rude, check your tone before you say anything.
She is not your own mother who has known you since day one. Just like she is new to you, you are new to her as well. So how do you let her know what crosses the line for you? Also, some people do not understand what personal space is and mothers can be very possesive aout their kids so she may be the same for your husband who is her son. Draw some lines but do not back down otherwise you will not be taken seriously. If she comes unannounced, opens your door without knocking, tries to assert her beliefs on you, be crystal clear with how you feel about it but in a nice way.
Stand For Yourself But Do Not Pick Up A Fight
There indeed comes moments when you want to yell back, but this is where your smartness steps in. Do not engage in cat and dog fights as you are not an animal but stand your ground. Just say that "you have some strong feeling about whatever the matter is but I have a different ideology. So let's agree to disagree." or say "It is awesome that it worked out for you but I prefer another way".
No matter what you say, physical distance makes a huge difference. You do not have to be around your mother-in-law all the time. Create a distance for your own freedom and space. This way both of you will not get onto each other's nerves.
Find A Way Around
Mothers are of a certain age and after a point in time, we cannot change our personalities. She will not change but since you understood the bigger picture, find a way around her. Do not bend endlessley because that will just frustrate you further, but improve on how you deal with certain situations and try to be good at maneuvering. Admit this to yourself that that is how she is, acceptance is a major step and a game changer and this applies on all relationships in life.
If things get worse and your mother-in-law is abusive and your partner is also not helpful in toning it down then sek outsde help. Get to know your rights in case you do not know them and act accordingly. Just remember that is there is problem, there is always a solution, you just have to look in the right place.
Stay tuned to HerZindagi for more help and ways to release stress.