How Not To Fall Out Of Love, Experts Weigh In

Love is not just a chemical reaction caused by neurotransmitters like oxytocin and dopamine cross-firing in your brain. It is an emotion that goes far deeper than that.

When you’re in love with someone there are biological and chemical changes that happen in your body. “Overall, romantic love as a phenomenon can be said to be biological. Its purpose being survival of the species. But love is much more than that,” is what Suranjana Ghatak Choudhury, a clinical psychologist with Mindquest Well-being believes.

Love has several components to it.

“It can include physical and sexual needs, and emotional needs as well. This can be the need to be near them and wanting to spend time with them as well as wanting a feeling of safety, stability, and understanding,” continued Choudhary. “It can also include the commitment aspect, which helps you practice your socio-emotional skills – shared goal setting with your partner, making a long-term vision together, facing the ups and downs, and looking beyond your own goals and accommodating someone else’s.”

On similar lines, Swati Mahajan, a psychologist who specialises in relationship-building said that the first step of falling in love is the initial attraction; the person feels energised, happy, excited, and more alert.

But falling out of love is quite normal too. All couples have rough patches in their relationships. “Sometimes you do not feel for your partner the same way you felt before,” said Mahajan. “However, reviving your relationship is absolutely possible, but is not that easy, ” she added.

Why do people fall out of love?

Falling out of love is a very confusing emotion, but many couples experience that in life. The reasons are diverse and complex.

“The major reason behind it is communication issues and having unrealistic expectations from each other,” said Mahajan. “Growing apart can happen quickly too if you have changes in roles; like with jobs, having kids, work pressure or you develop different interests.” she added.

“Falling out of love is when an individual is no longer experiencing feelings of passion (a high), intimacy and commitment towards their partner,” she said. “Usually people talk about no longer being able to fulfill their valued emotional needs, no longer feeling prioritised, acceptance, safety, stability, and understanding.”

She believes there comes a point when you cannot communicate or resolve your differences. “It feels like there is no point talking to them about it because it will lead to further conflict, which means formation of more negative memories and experiences.”

There can be other reasons like fundamental differences in the world view, including societal needs, politics, and their personal life goals. “So there may be difficulty in reaching a mutual understanding and their paths no longer intersect or find common ground,” she said.

There are practical aspects too, like the external demands on the partners may be too much from their environment, which makes it difficult for them to prioritise each other. “For instance, long-distance is a factor, age, overly demanding career, familial responsibilities, the goals that don’t align with relationship goals, and wanting the same thing from the relationship.” So, there are environmental demands as well as personal needs.

A build up of all these factors leads to the downfall. “Overtime you might stop showing your authentic self to your partner – your strengths, weaknesses, fears, disappointments, hopes and dreams. You start pretending. You hide parts of yourself,” added Choudhary.

The cumulative effect of this is feeling less connected. “It happens very slowly, overtime. Suddenly, you realise you no longer feel the same pull towards them,” she said.

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How To Stay In Love

“If your partner no longer gives you what you need, this feeling is a wake up call that you need to put in effort,” said Mahajan. “Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is difficult. Falling in love is a passive experience. It just happens. You don’t need to make extra efforts. You just like somebody and go with the flow, but sadly these feelings don’t sustain themselves and consistent effort is required.”

Most couples do not understand that intense feelings do subside, especially after the honeymoon period is over. “It takes hard work. You need to set some time for your partner even if you have 101 things to do in a day to show them that you are not taking them for granted. This neglect can be detrimental,” she said. “Moreover, you should never score who contributes most in the relationship.”

She also feels that a lot of couples compare their relationship with others, but don’t realise that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Mahajan asks couples to look within themselves to find out what is contributing to the fallout phase. “Figure out the problematic dynamics that are not making the relationship work. Put your pride and fear aside. Work towards fixing old patterns that are leading to the fall out.”

But, most importantly, being more authentic will help you keep the relationship alive. “Ultimately, if you’re not happy doing a certain thing in the relationship, you will probably not be able to do it for a long time. So be honest,” she said.

Communication is key and there is no disagreeing to that. Choudhary shared that ‘healthy communication’ is what helps create safety, acceptance, and joy. “Guessing the emotional needs is tough no matter how long they (partner) know you. There are specific behaviours that help us feel valued such as spending time with each other every weekend and negotiating on the time depending on other demands.”

She emphasises the need to not be vague. Good communication is a two-way street, so it also includes ‘good listening’. You need an understanding ear, which gives you time to be heard. “Moreover, a barrier to this is being overly defensive where we feel they are pointing out our weaknesses. So, depersonalise the conversation and needs; think of them as mutual goals, instead of an attack on you.”

According to Choudhary, an understanding partner thinks beyond themselves, their insecurities and fears. They treat their partner’s goals as their own and this happens mutually. They also take initiative and check in with each other every now and then. And there is encouragement from each side to open up.

There should also be an openness to learning, growing, and change because there are stages to relationships.

Most essentially, differences on opinions, fights, and conflicts should be left on positive notes. Partners should have solution-oriented and healthy conversations because everything is an opportunity for learning. “Owning up to mistakes, apologising and acknowledging when you make your partner feel bad is helpful.”

At the same time, knowing that no partner is available to each other 24x7 helps. “If you want to share something very heavy with them, it is important to check in with them if they have the emotional bandwidth,” she said.

Break the monotony

When it comes to keeping the ‘spark’ alive, Choudhary said that too much sameness can be monotonous, boring, and less exciting. “Something that breaks the monotony, even a small gesture can be very powerful. A small surprise gift, planning an outing or trip with them (any shared activity) can help.”

She believes that the sexual aspect is as integral. “You can learn and discover what you like sexually overtime, introducing new things and experimenting can be fun.”

As for a last resort, if you feel things are not working well and you are adamant to take this relationship ahead, Mahajan advises to see a couple therapist. “It will help assess your current relationship and reawaken the love. But if the therapist feels that one of the partners is already halfway through the door, they will help you to say the final goodbye in a calming and mutual way,” she concluded.

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