“It is dehumanising. How can my worth be associated with how my body looks or its shape,” said Apurupa Vatsalya (She/They) during a live session with HerZindagi on Instagram.
The Comprehensive Sexuality Educator is an advocate of reproductive and sexual health. She works with The YP Foundation, an intersectional, feminist and right-based organisation that is connected with more than 5,000 adolescents, parents, educators, policymakers and cultural educators across four states in India. “This is what I do with my entire life,” added Apurupa.
Lack of information about sex, sexuality, safety, pleasure and queer relationships inspired her to become a sexual health educator. “I put myself in rather dangerous situations while exploring myself and my sexuality, which I would not have done if I had the right tools. I would have made informed decisions.” Apurupa’s biggest inspiration was to make these tools accessible to the younger generation so that they do not face similar issues like her and can advocate for themselves.
HZ Women of the Month is our weekly series where we speak to women at the top of their fields and discuss their inspirational journeys, pick their brains on human-interest topics, and debunk myths around women’s health and finance investment.
In our latest session with Apurupa, the educator debunked myths about intimacy and pleasure. She talked about body image issues and how they affect a person’s idea of self-worth. This article has learning for everyone.
The Truth About Adult Films And Discovering Self
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While talking about how most people learn about sex from erotic films, Apurupa said, “The biggest sex educator, unfortunately, around the world is the adult film industry. The reach that these films have around the globe, even educators do not have."
“All of us are curious about porn,” she added. The sexuality educator believes that rather than debating whether adult films are good or bad, we need to educate young minds about the reality of the industry.
For example, mainstream adult films are exploitative, have bad working conditions for actors [In 2012, a Huffpost quoted a study conducted on 168 erotic film actors among whom 28% (47) were either positive for chlamydia or gonorrhoea or both], etc.
Apurupa also discussed ethical porn, which is paid but inclusive. It shows people identifying with different sexualities exploring intimacy and pleasure, different bodies, consent practices, safer-sex practices, and everything in between. These films are also known for providing better working conditions to actors.
While the topic of intimacy is still taboo, Apurupa believes that we need to have open and honest conversations about maybe sharing subscriptions to ethical adult film websites. “It is easier said than done,” she added. However, it is necessary for the healthy development of adolescents and young minds. It can help to destigmatize self-pleasure.
Sex Education vs Comprehensive Sexuality Education
Sex education is about biology, changes in the body, contraception options, pleasure and prevention of pregnancy. Apurupa calls herself a ‘Comprehensive Sexuality Educator’ where she focuses on the entire human experience, different types of relationships, body image issues, the impact of culture and religion on relationships, access to services, and anything else that contributes to the entire experience of intimacy.
She said millennials and Gen Zs are probably the first people exploring an entire spectrum of relationships. She added while we have examples of a good marriage, we still do not know much about ‘casual relationships, situationships, dillusionships, etc. How we understand all the emotions and express our feelings is beyond what sex education is all about.'
“Many cultures and religions might frown upon premarital sex and self-pleasure.So if a person is exploring their sexuality and experiencing guilt and shame, how do you bridge this gap?” she asked. Hence, comprehensive sexuality education discusses all this and more.
Body Image Impacting The Sense Of Self
“Body image is a big part of human experience, and the conversation must start as early as a child learns to speak and understand,” Apurupa said. She believes that the issue of body image can make a person question if they are worthy of love. It affects the way we interact with our bodies and overall experience with intimacy.
We have a lot of body negativity and body shaming in our society. “If you meet someone after a long time, the first thing that a person would notice is how much weight you have put on or lost,” she added.
People also make comments on their as well as other bodies. While this is culturally normalised, it can put it in a person’s head that if they do not look a certain way they are not worthy of love.
“How can our worth be tied to our bodies?” she asked.
Body neutrality is what Apurupa preaches. The concept detaches negative idols or words associated with our bodies. You shift your focus on what your body can do for you rather than how it looks or its shape. “It is about how you experience your body,” she added.
She said the body image issue is also fed to us by how actors in mainstream cinema look. She said most actors look the same because they have a similar body type. Therefore, we find artists like Konkana Sen Sharma and Nandita Das more relatable, the comprehensive sexuality educator said.
Apurup added, “It does not matter how your body looks or smells like. It is worthy of love and pleasure.”
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Pleasure Gap
Conversations around pleasure are different when it comes to cis-heteronormative (cis-man in a relationship with a cis-woman) and queer relationships. But we cannot talk about pleasure without addressing the gap that exists.
A study published by Durex in 2019 said about 70% of women do not experience orgasm every time they have sex. While orgasm is not the goal, it is important for everyone to understand that women do not climax alone with penetration.
“Clitoris stimulation is most important, and most intimate positions do not offer that,” Apurupa explained.
Therefore, it is necessary that both partners talk about how both can experience pleasure and what works for them. There is a lot about intimacy, it is not just about penetration. It includes texting, sexting, cuddling, kissing, having a conversation in bed, hugging and everything that includes the two parties.
There can be multiple reasons for having sex, it could be because of maintaining a relationship, stress and love. While orgasm is not the finish line, a person who wants to climax is more than entitled to it.
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See our live session here,
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Intimacy is a vast subject that cannot be narrowed down. It covers relationships, sex, communication, pleasure, body image, emotions and everything else. However, starting an open conversation can be a way to debunk myths about the subject. Stay tuned to HerZindagi for more such stories.
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