Complex human emotions often pose challenges in relationships. While navigating through different aspects of life, even the most happy people cheat in relationships. This might sound weird, but it's seemingly true that happy people are also prone to cheating. We spoke to Tammy Nelson, PhD, a Board Certified Sexologist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship therapist, and Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor, Los Angeles to understand this relationship dynamics.
Why Do Seemingly Happy People Cheat?
Amidst the changing relationship dynamics, polygamy, open marriage, and extramarital affairs have become quite common. Imagine a happily married person who goes to online dating apps explicitly looking to start an affair. Sounds strange?
This approach leads to several questions- What’s the story? Why are they looking to cheat? How do they feel about the institution of marriage? And so on and so forth. We often think that the person looking for an affair outside the marriage or existing relationship might be unhappy, but the story is more complicated than we can imagine.
Different people cheat for different reasons and sometimes even those in happy marriages and relationships commit infidelity. However, that doesn’t always mean that it’s the end of their existing relationship. Tammy highlighted that a study by Ashley Madison revealed that more than half of its members polled (52%) agree that society can benefit from a shift toward a more open style of monogamy or non-monogamy.
According to Tammy, in today’s world, most of us are healthier than ever and can remain sexually active well into our 80s, and for some, even into our 90s. This extended life expectancy means that we may be married to the same person for almost a century. While in the past, marriages lasted only a couple of decades, today we have the same expectations from our longer marriages. We follow the same rules about sexual fidelity –one partner should meet all of our needs for sex and romance for the rest of our lives. We also believe that we should never develop feelings for another person, nor fall in love outside of our marriage.
However, she highlighted that we may crave different things from other people. This means we may not search for another person, but we may desire to be another person. We learn about different parts of ourselves when we are with different partners.
While experts state several reasons, a 26-year-old believes that “In the pursuit of the best, we often lose the better, because no one is perfect.”
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Can We Love Two People?
The above-stated reason provokes- Can we love two people? Tammy highlighted that having a partner outside of the marriage doesn’t necessarily take away from the love and romance at home. Love is not a limited pie, it may be possible to be with two different people, a spouse and a lover.
Growing up with the belief that love can only happen once in a lifetime, this thought often lingers in my mind. In conversations with others, it's become clear that many share the similar belief that while falling in love twice is possible, loving two people at the same time remains an impossible notion.
However, Tammy mentioned that the goal, ultimately, would be to combine these two selves, integrating all one’s needs and desires into the marriage at home. Yet, for many, having an affair helps them to stay in their marriage. One partner for romance and excitement, the other for sex and companionship, or any combination of these needs in any number of partners.
“For some, having an open relationship instead of an affair helps each partner become empowered, and lets them be honest about what they want and need. This can make the connection at home stronger while experiencing new things and growing in the partnerships,” she added.
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