Why People Cheat: It’s Not About Right or Wrong, But the Situation

Infidelity has always been a buzzword, much hated but equally talked about in India. It is also usually seen in stark ways, good vs. bad, and loyalty vs. betrayal. But according to Ms. Sybil Shiddell, Country Manager of Gleeden India, the reality is far more layered.

Gleeden is one of India’s extra-marital dating apps, and according to various studies it has conducted, people are gradually becoming more open about conversations around cheating, open marriages and more.

Read: Open Marriages, Tier-1 vs Tier-2 City Divide: Decoding Infidelity in Modern India

“Infidelity has always been thought of as good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, loyalty vs. betrayal. But human behaviour is rarely organised in that manner,” she said.

She argues that cheating is not always the result of immorality or intentional betrayal.

“Infidelity is almost always also related to the situation: the unmet needs, the emotional rifts, the societal pressure to stay bound in a relationship, rather than the desired contact vision,” she explained.

Why Marriages Stick

Sybil explains that marriages often survive because leaving isn’t an option. Sometimes people are deeply unhappy even in long-term relationships.

“It is often the emotional awfulness that creates the urge to stray. If a partner feels invisible, unheard, not seen or appreciated for what they bring to the union, any little whiff of attention from another person can feel like a lifeboat. It's not often about wanting somebody else; rather it is wanting something else: recognition, tenderness, novelty, enthusiasm, or even just the comfort that comes from being trusted,” she explained.

The Quiet Pain of Physical Intimacy

An emotional void can feel extreme, but so does a bodily void. Over the course of time, as the spark fades, intimacy takes a backseat in marriages and other long-term relationships.

However, this doesn’t necessarily mean love is lost. “This may be due to habit, compatibility of sexual desires, or not having said something when it was still novel,” said Sybil. “When we view physical intimacy as a duty, rather than a way of expressing something deeper with our partner, it becomes all too easy to start to seek passion outside of the relationship.”

She further adds that in these cases, infidelity is rarely evaluated in terms of what is right or wrong, but rather in terms of feeling deprived of something natural that drives our humanity.

The Hold of Society: Staying for the sake of staying

Many couples stay together not because the relationship is flourishing but simply because the thought of separation is unbearable.

“Be it family, friends, the judgement of society, financial dependence, or the fear of being labeled, people's stories here often resemble being trapped in a marriage they no longer want (or need!),” said Sybil.

When under such confinements, cheating can sometimes become a covert form of escape.

“Not that it’s about one partner betraying the other at all, but simply about wanting to feel like themselves in an environment that feels restricted. Society may frown on cheating and infidelity, but it also quietly sets the scene of creating barriers and obstacles for marriage and long-term relationships that make leaving tougher than simply cheating,” she explained.

Morality vs. Situation: Who Wins?

When we evaluate infidelity solely in moral terms, we lose sight of the bigger picture: namely, that humans are fundamentally situational creatures.

Place a person in a context of profound loneliness, estrangement, and enormous social obligations; their acts will look different from those of someone who is fulfilled and can walk away without feeling compelled.

Read: Over Half of Married Indians Cheat: Why Many Are Questioning Monogamy

This does not imply it is okay to cheat, as it hurts, breaks trust, and creates scars for the people involved. It is, instead, an argument to say that, instead of determining why they cheat, we may be better served by what the circumstances were that made infidelity feel like the best option.

It is Always Complicated

Ultimately, infidelity does not come from black-and-white morality.

They come from grey circumstances. Emotional dissatisfaction, unmet physical needs, and society's nominal influences are all agents in determining the choices that people make - and they are rarely contextualised in relationship spaces.

Sybil signs off by saying, “It is time to stop labelling people as simply 'cheaters or loyalists' and start thinking of them as 'situationists." Because, in the messy world of love and commitment, it is oftentimes the context, not simply the conscience, that determines the outcome.”