Being A Brown Daughter: When I Was Taught Marriage Was The Key To Get Respect In Society

"Look at her, she is a 45-year-old, single woman, she rejected many boys when she was of age, and now, no one wishes to marry her, you want to be like her? Lonely?" told my grandma as we watched her, one of the most talked about members of our colony from our balcony as she left for work. Years later today, I don't recall her name, for me, she was always someone who didn't get married. Now when I revisit the old days, I realise how like for most, her identity for me too revolved around her marital status.

Identity And Marriage: What's The Connection?

For the longest time I had this notion that women really have no identity without a man. Now that I think of it, I was a victim of the patriarchal mindset like most out there. Man is the superior and the woman is dependent. Before marriage, it is her father, and after marriage, her husband. Having said that, I feel there is nothing wrong with being dependent only if you are still treated equally. A mindset that labels you dependent and treats you as inferior isn't okay. Don't you think?

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Society’s Obsessed With The Life Of A Woman

Over the years, I have realised that the world is obsessed with a woman's life in some way or the other. It can be a woman's career one day, and relationship status the other. The judgments also come in quickly, 'She is snooty because she earns well, she won't ever get a match, 'She does no work, chills at home all day because her husband pays all the bills', ‘She comes home late every day, who would marry such a woman’, ‘No one would like to get married to a woman who dresses like that’, ‘She rejects every marriage proposal, she will end up being alone and regret’, there is just no stopping. (What's In A Surname, It's A Woman's Choice)

Coming back to identity, I wonder if a woman has an identity like any other individual in this world. Growing up daughters are schooled that it isn't their home and they have to eventually one day get married and go to their husband's house. On getting married, the woman is expected to leave her identity, change her surname for starters, and eventually the way she lived her life.

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A woman completely loses her identity post marriage and the world hails it 'Oh, she has gelled in so beautifully'. Unfortunately, the sacrifices of a woman in the country are glorified to an extent and we have stopped finding a problem there. We are expected to be a good daughter, sister, wife, daughters-in-law, mother but just not ourselves. Isn't it unfair?